By Meredith Woerner
I’m so, so, so, so, so, sorry I’ve fallen behind in my Beauty and the Beast recapping responsibilities. First, I was on leave and then… well I just didn’t want to because this show is terrible. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t love this series like an old toenail that grew over a new toenail, and you don’t really want to pull it off (because the new toenail is kind of bumpy and weird). But also because any extraction will probably hurt, and all I have in my bathroom is rubbing alcohol from 1999 and craft scissors. So instead you just paint on some nail polish and hope for the best. That is how I feel about this show. Exactly.
Second admission, I did not watch episode 2 nor did I watch episode 3. I thought about catching up on Hulu last night, but then I just went on living my life. I’m at peace with it. Also, thankfully, nothing happened. Seriously, it was a very easy transition from episode 1 to episode 4. In fact if you haven’t seen episode 2 or 3, fuck it! Just skip them.
Moving on, this week there are three really important plot lines: a crime involving horse steroids, Vincent deciding to turn himself in, and the NYPD baseball game against FDNY. My favorite storyline was about the baseball game because when Kristin Kreuk put on the batter’s helmet she kind of looked like a baby in a baseball onesie. Obviously the important thing about this game was making sure NYPD beat the shit out of NYFD because city rivalries, AMIRITE? They do; KK hits a home run and there’s a slow motion dance celebration at the end. Even though I’m 100% certain that every actor involved in this scene had never, ever heard of a “baaaeeessboool” before, it was still fun to watch them dance around and hold a bat like an alien. Good job, everybody. Sports!
The second best plot involved horse steroids. No lie. Vincent finds, no scratch that, he smells and hears the heart of a kid dying in a city dumpster. Vincent then gives him CPR, saves his life, and drops him off at the hospital. Cue the tiny detective brigade of…oh God what’s her name, Kristin Kreuk’s character….ugh…. Cat. Right! So Cat and her NUW YOOORRRKAH partner are hot on the case. Long story short, the kid was an orphan kid on a “helping poor people help rich people” polo program. The kid worked at the polo stables but was secretly JUICING THE HORSES. After he injected the horses with steroids, he would then bet on the polo matches. Which… steroids make horses better at polo? I’m not sure. Sounds ridiculous, but who am I to argue with the logic of this show? Blah blah blah, none of it matters. The mother who owned the place beat him to death with a polo mallet. But what this did give us was a lot of adult people running around screaming, “HE GAVE THE HORSES STEROIDS.” Which is really a win for us, the audience.
And finally the third plot. At some point in this episode, Cat is kidnapped by the FBI. Which seems improbable as Vincent is almost always creepily watching her from the bushes or rooftops… constantly. Oh well. Cat is kidnapped by the FBI, led by some guy named Meerfield. (Honestly, it could also be the CIA. I don’t know. I wasn’t paying enough attention.) Meerfield tells her that Vincent killed a bunch of people. Which… no shit, he killed like 5 people on the train platform in the pilot. Cat clearly doesn’t remember this and is all OMG. She goes to Vincent with her OMGs, and he is also OMG I’m still a monster. Vincent turns himself in to the Meerfield. Someone on Meerfield’s staff produces manacles, which HA.
But right before Vincent is manacled away, HA. Cat shows up and screams NOOOOOOO like Black Canary. Vincent decides, NO is right, and kills everyone on Meerfield’s staff. Ha ha, what a fucking monster. Someone should seriously kill Vincent.
Welp, that’s the end. Until next week, may the Beast continue his long career of making this face over, and over.